Sunday, November 16, 2014

The Lesbian’s Guide To Handling The Holidays

I wish such a thing existed. I love being part of a family; home schooling combined with the cultish religion of my upbringing means my only true peers are my siblings. I love cooking for people and playing stupid games and laughing at ourselves. But holidays have become a tumultuous time for me.  Resentments and expectations are everywhere and I would rather not have any of it. Maybe family will be a thing of the past…maybe I’m building a new family with my partner and I should just focus on that.

I miss my old family. I hate the way my mom treats me.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Letter I Actually Wrote

Dear Mom & Dad,
I love you. I’m sorry this separation happened last weekend. It hurt to spend my favorite holiday away from my family. I hope you are all ok.
I don’t know if you understand how much or why, but your words really hurt me on Thursday and Friday. I know you don’t approve of my relationship with Nicki, but the way you communicated that was very hurtful. Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but I've tried to be as inoffensive as possible about our relationship. There are plenty of times I've asked Nicki to stay in the car when I was in your house. I don’t remember ever showing her physical affection in your house. I understand and try to respect your opinion while I’m there. I thought she was welcome with obvious conditions, and I thought I respected those conditions. Did I miss something?
Mom, you said you really wanted to discuss this with me when I first told you. I think you both should learn and talk about it, but not with me. I take every objection personally, because it’s me we’re discussing. If you were to discuss this with others, I think it would be beneficial for you and not hurt me or jeopardize our relationship so much. Have you read “Love Is An Orientation” by Andrew Marin? That book helps people understand how to love people who are different without drawing theological boundaries for them. Or Justin Lee’s statement from the Gay Christian Network about being in a relationship. Benjamin Moberg’s blog is full of helpful resources for people who are still trying to figure things out. There's even a conference for Christian parents of homosexual children. Please go read and talk with those people. I can’t answer the questions you want to ask.
You tell me that you “accept” but don’t “approve” of my relationship with Nicki. According to the Webster dictionary that you gave me, “acceptance” means “A receiving with approbation or satisfaction; favorable reception.” I would not describe your attitude as accepting. “Tolerate” is defined as “To suffer to be or be done without prohibition or hindrance.” By that definition, you don’t even tolerate me. I don’t say this to be mean or rude, I just want you to know how I feel about this. I would love to be accepted by you, but I don’t feel like I am.
 Also, you keep referring to choice. Are you referring to my choice of Nicki as a partner? Then you are correct; I did choose to be in a relationship with her. But I did not choose my sexual orientation. I spent years hating it and myself for it; but I have to see it as something I was given, from God, even. And God only gives good gifts to his children. Sexuality is an essential part of every human being, and we do not all fit into a binary system. If I continued on this path of hatred, I would have harmed myself. Please don’t think of my sexual orientation as a choice. It isn’t.
You’ve brought up Bible verses that you think speak against my sexual orientation. You don’t sacrifice animals for your sins, because Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. My therapist reminded me of Peter’s vision of a sheet coming from heaven that was full of animals (Acts 10). God commanded him to eat, even though the animals were unclean. She said that the cross changed everything, including my ability to love. If gender is the only reason why I shouldn’t love Nicki (or any other woman), then I think that’s ridiculous. Romans 8:1-2 says “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” I consider my relationship with Nicki a gift from God, possible because Jesus saved me from sin. I’m also reminded of circumcision - Galatians 5:1-3 says “For freedom Christ has set us free, stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. Look, I Paul, say to you that if you accept circumcision, Christ will be of no advantage to you. I testify again to every man why accepts circumcision that he is obligated to keep the whole law.” I love Nicole. I see no reason why I shouldn’t receive that love as a gift from God and act on it.
 As a child, I remember struggling with the verse saying women should not braid their hair or wear gold or pearls, but the best explanation I remember hearing is “it’s a cultural difference.” Would you say this culture is changing to one of tolerance? I would say so, and I’m glad. I’m grateful to be protected against discrimination at my job. Finding a church that was tolerant of my orientation was one of the best things that has happened to me. Remember, this isn’t an “issue” in my life, it’s ME. I need to be accepted and loved.
I love you. I hope this hasn't offended you. Please, go find some help understanding this; it’s out there, you just have to ask the right people (or Person). I agree to disagree with you, but I trust that some day we will all agree. In the future, could you try to be more considerate when bringing up your concerns? Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom.
Your daughter,

Saturday, April 19, 2014

The Letter I Wanted To Write

Is it too much to ask for a break? Can I get some privacy? I don’t want to be near you; all I feel from you is judgment and hatred, even though you claim love.

If you love me, why does it hurt so much when you reject me? How can you claim acceptance while censoring me? How can you be on “my side” when I don’t have a side? I JUST AM. There is no “my side.” There’s just me. Do you love it, or not?

When you say you’re in no place to judge but act on your ideas of right and wrong anyway, how the fuck am I supposed to understand that? Don’t blame “the Bible” for how you’re treating me. Take responsibility for your actions. Make your actions match your words. I desperately want to believe that you love me, because you say you do and I love you so much, but I don’t see love here.

It’s Easter. Of course this would happen on a holiday that showcases forgiveness. Should I forgive you? I want you to see how you’ve hurt me, but all you see is your own righteousness. Listen to me.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Wildest Moments

My girl told me this morning that, during her first round in outpatient rehab, she would listen to the song below and think of our relationship. I think it's a beautiful song.

"Wildest Moments" by Jessie Ware

I shared a wild moment with her yesterday-she graduated from her halfway house! I'm so incredibly proud of her! She begged me to take her away from there when she arrived, and it hurt so badly to see her in pain. But she stuck it out and really invested in the program. The women in her house talked about her cheerful spirit, tough work ethic, and how she reached out to newcomers and made them feel welcome. It was tough for her, I know, but I'm proud of her efforts and I think some beautiful things came about as a result. She's now in her own apartment a few blocks from work. She is getting promoted, something I expected but am glad her work is being affirmed and rewarded. So many good things are happening at once, it's making my head spin. Sleeping with her again for the first time in about 9 months was so profoundly sweet and stressful at the same time. Her therapist at the house encouraged me to go to Nar-Anon, and I found a meeting very close to my new apartment so I will try to go to the next meeting. I am feeling the strong emotional pull to be with her constantly but I know that could lead to enabling and emotional dependency, not to mention my poor cat will go crazy if I leave him alone.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Why Blog?

I'm writing this blog to practice being open about my reality. I really like to make people happy. I don't want to pacify them or get them to ignore me; it makes me happy when I make other people happy (to a reasonable degree). But my love for my woman doesn't make everyone happy. It makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I love her too much to worry about their happiness, though, and that's quite a change in mental processes for me. So I blog to practice being honest about our relationship, especially to my family. Benjamin Moburg has given me a lot of encouragement about this, and I enjoy his blog quite a bit.

Falling In Love Again

Darling, you are beautiful. Last Thursday I was reminded again of why I love you. Every time we kiss is a reminder, but last Thursday was extraordinary. Your favorite band played, and you put a lot of effort into getting to that show. You sang every word and pumped your delicate fist with such passion, my heart melted. The music was fantastic, and I was swept away again by your mysterie. You're beautiful and fascinating. You like the strangest things, and I love you because of it. I want to crawl inside your soul and understand why, but I know if I do it would destroy the reason. So I simply admire and adore, yearning for I don't know what and not really sure I want to find it anyway. Then you kiss me, and your firm, perfect lips put something tangible within reach, and I hold on for dear life, hoping this isn't a dream and I never wake up. I don't understand how someone so beautiful could ever experience such pain, but people have said the same about me and I know how frustrating it is to be misunderstood like that. I pray that my influence on you is a positive one. I want nothing but the best for you, babe, and strive to be the best for you so I can be selfishly altruistic in this desire.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Where To Start?

I'd written a beautiful little blog on a different site, but it got deleted and I lost all that writing :-( But here I am, starting again!